As we continue in our conversation with the author Andy Parnham we come to the subject of healthy relationships. How do they work and how do we restore them when they go wrong? We know from our own experience that relationships are important, but the research of the psychiatrist Robert Waldinger goes as far as to say it is the number one strongest predictor of good health.
Do come and join Andy Parnham and I as we look at: The following 5 principles for healthy relationships:
1. Prioritising people over things
2. Becoming the kind of person other people want to be with.
3. Finding someone you can trust you can share yourself with.
4. Being willing to let go and not to be simply grasping of relationships.
5. Finding a place and a people to belong to.
We unpack Andy’s conclusion of the reaseach:
”It appears that the capacity to relate to other people is hard-wired into our brains and that such relating is at the heart of human flourishing. Relationships are primarily a function of the right brain, with its emphasis on implicit, unconscious, non-verbal processes. Emotions are essential to the development and nurture of all healthy relationships.” (P.127)
”Anyone who has achieved lasting happiness and contentment has acquired the capacity to spend time both alone and with others without a sense of insecurity and inadequacy.” (P. 133)
How we can only relate to others in a healthy manner when we have learnt to live in our own skin in a healthy way. Psychologists refer to this as differentiation. Someone who has successfully differentiated themself is able to:
1. Be clear about who you are (‘define’ yourself) and yet stay in touch with others.
2. Take responsibility for yourself, yet.... Be responsive to others.
3. Maintain your integrity and wellbeing without..... Intruding on that of others.
4. Allow the enhancement of another person’s integrity and wellbeing without ....... Feeling abandonment,inferior or less of a self.
5. Have an ‘I’ and enter a relationship with another ‘I’ without losing yourself and diminishing the other person’s self.
Longing. Its something we all experience at one time or another, but find so hard to explain or define. On this podcast Andy Parnham and I discuss this "reaching out towards or yearning for something that you can't describe but which draws you very powerfully with a mixture of joy and sadness."
The writer C. S. Lewis put it even more potently when he called this longing 'joy' and described it as 'an unsatisfied desire which is itself more desirable than any other satisfaction...... anyone who has experienced it will want it again.' As you can see these are deep areas we don't often discuss!
Do come and join Andy and I as we explore
How a want for something (usually in the areas of wealth, health or happiness) tends to be clear, purposeful, driven by the will often with a sense of urgency.
By contrast with a longing the focus is not on ourselves, but someone or something that occupies our view and yet lies beyond our grasp or control (usually in the areas of relationships, meaning and fulfilment).
Our age-old quest for beauty vividly described by Lewis:
”The books or music in which we thought the beauty were located will betray us if we trust to them; it was not in them,it only came through them, and what came through them was longing. These things - the beauty, the memory of our own past - are good images of what we really desire, but if they are mistaken for the thing itself they turn into dumb idols, breaking the hearts of their worshippers. For they are not the thing itself; they are only the scent of a flower we have not found, the echo of a tune we have not heard, news from a country we have never yet visited.”
Examples of this in longing for a person, place or people.
How homesickness and nostalgia as forms of longing combine very powerful emotions of loss and disappointment combined with hope and desire.
How these experiences are also understandable through neuroscience and the two sides of the brain.
Understanding the difference between what Henri Nouwen called ‘first loneliness’ (the emotional need for family, friends and home) and the need for a deeper life, which he called a ‘second loneliness.’ Here is how Nouwen described it:
”A deep personal intimacy and it is an intimacy that is very demanding. It requires letting go of many things that are emotionally, intellectually and affectively very satisfying. You must grow to realise and to trust that the deeper loneliness is not to be overcome, but lived. You must live it with trust, standing tall. You must try to say, ‘Yes I am lonely, but this particular loneliness sets me on the road to intimacy...It brings me closer to the source of love in the depths of my being.”
While this conversation may seem rather deep and esoteric, I do assure you we talk about practical implications for all of us in how we live our lives on a day-to-day basis!
That seems an almost ridiculous question. Of course you want to be happy! Our world is obsessed with wanting to be happy. But what do we actually mean by happiness? Especially in our complex, challenging and chaotic world where we have so many things that promise happiness, but often fail to deliver what they promise.
Do join Andrew Parnham and I as we continue to unpack this important subject from his book, "Lasting Happiness: In Search of Deeper Meaning and Fulfilment."
Together we explore:
Health and wellbeing as a means to happiness, but those terms that are not as simple to explain as they might first appear.
The World Health Organisation's definition of health as "a state of complete physical, mental and social wellbeing and not merely the absence of disease or infirmity."
How health is a means to happiness, but not an end in itself. We need some higher purpose, especially as health is so often dependent on fate, fortune or luck.
How wellbeing, while hard to define, is much wider and deeper when you consider it is possible to have wellbeing without apparent health. For a challenging and inspiring example of that do watch this 4 minute video of Nick Vujicic,a man born without arms or legs and an incredibly positive sense of wellbeing.
How the research shows relationships, meaning and fulfilment are more lasting paths to happiness than health, wealth or pleasure seeking.
Lessons from the longest study on happiness (a TED talk on that is here) that show how relationships are so fundamental to what it means to be a human being.
The work of Jean Varnier, the founder of a community in France for people with learning disabilities, who powerfully articulates this:
"What is it to be a human being? Is it power? If it's power, then we would kill each other! You see, the wise and powerful lead us to ideologies, whereas the weak are in the dirt. They're not seeking power, they're seeking friendship. It's a message for all of us. It's about all of us."
Understanding the importance of finding meaning to lead us to lasting happiness.
How a happy person is similar to an animal, whereas meaningfulness is human and is all about expressing the self and thinking integratively about the past and future.
Some practical implications for us as we seek to be happy in life
Thank you for receiving and interacting with my regular blog posts. They have been coming weekly for almost six years! It's incredible to think of all the areas we have explored and discussed in this time. We also started the podcast in May 2015.
So much has happened in that time and its encouraging to see how far we have come.
Also over the last few years I have seen a significant change in my roles and responsibilities. I am challenged to stop and pause for a period of time to rest and re-think where I am going and what I am doing. The blog was also partly supposed to be a means for me to explore ideas to then turn into a book. That has not been happening. With the summer break it seems a good time to stop and have a rethink.
The blog at has a vast amount of content to explore and will still be there.
Perhaps the most relevant post that I am applying to myself is Do You Need More Margin In Your Life? If I am going to find the time to write the book then I need to also decide what I am going to stop doing in my life.
Thank you for being a part of this journey with me. The podcasts should still be coming monthly and I am planning to free up more time for the writing of a book.
Please feel free to get in touch with any ideas, thoughts and suggestions.
One particular need I have is to identify someone to further help me with technology support and development. If you know of someone (or are that person!) do let me know.
At this stage I am not entirely sure when I will re-start, but for now the Wednesday emails will be stopping. Thank you again for all your support and encouragement!
Do feel free to share any thoughts, suggestions or ideas you think would be helpful.
Is there anything in your life you need to stop doing to free up space, time and energy for something else?
How do I handle all the overwhelm and the many distractions I find myself having to deal with not just on a daily but even moment-by-moment basis? We have been looking at this 18 minute video by David Allen that gives much wisdom into this increasingly common life challenge:
David Allen's fundamental point is that the best way to deal with feelings of overwhelm is to get everything that is on your mind out of your head into some trustworthy external system. The simple act of writing it down is the first step in the process - but only the first step........
I know that can seem hard to believe - but trust me on this! One of the marks of modern life is the nagging sense of all the things that need to be done. The list never seems to finish and it is so easy to feel overwhelmed and exhausted thinking about all you have to do. But does that have to be the case at all? This 18 minute TED talk by David Allen gives a helpful perspective on how to deal with the feelings of overwhelm and never-ending distractions we all experience at one time or another in our lives.
One of the key points David Allen seeks to get across is that we don't actually need more time, but what we need is more room. Or in other words, enough space in your mind to be fully present in the here and now with what is most important to you at this moment to get your most important work done......
The British National Health Service (NHS) reaches 70 years of age on 5 July 2018. There is much to be thankful for and celebrations to mark this anniversary are taking place all over the United Kingdom. In that time there have been previously unimaginable changes in medical treatment. In the UK it is remarkable how the NHS has evolved to continue to provide universal health care for the whole population, while still being free at the point of delivery. However, in the overall history of medicine the NHS is relatively recent.
This 30 minute video by John Geater seeks to summarise the history of medicine and explain how our understanding has changed and evolved over the last 2,500 years or so.
Of course such a brief overview will have major gaps, make significant assumptions and miss out many details, but I think it provides a helpful summary. There are 10 significant observations:
How the two sides of the brain function so differently
Jill Bolte Taylor is a Harvard-trained neuroanatomist who experienced a severe bleed in the left hemisphere of her brain in 1996. By the afternoon she could not walk, talk, read, write, or recall any of her life. It took eight years for her to completely recover all of her physical function and thinking ability. This 18 minute talk from 2008 was given twelve years after her experience. Such was the impression she made it was the first TED talk to go viral on the Internet:
This is a deeply personal account of what it is like to experience a sudden stroke. As the left side of her brain became increasingly affected she suddenly lost the familiar 'brain chatter' we all experience and she was plunged into inner silence. She writes:.....
How the left brain has come to dominate Western culture
You can make a pretty strong case for saying that the human brain is the most complex object in the entire universe. It contains 100 billion nerve cells (called neurones). Each of these neurones contains a vast electrochemical complex and powerful micro-data-processing system. As complex as each cell is it would fit on the head of a pin! And in spite of all the research in the last century there is much we still do not understand.
Someone who has thought about this a lot is Iain McGilchrist. He is a psychiatrist, doctor, writer and former Oxford literary scholar. (We were also contemporaries at medical school in Southampton in the 1980s, but our paths did not often cross). In this fascinating animated 11 minute lecture from the Royal Society of Arts McGilchrist explains the main themes from his book, "The Master and His Emissary". It is about the functioning of the human brain. His in depth training in both the arts and sciences makes him uniquely qualified to write on this subject.
McGilchrist has produced a huge masterpiece, and this article and video can only give a simple broad overview. However, one of his key points is that the implications of brain science are highly significant in understanding the development of Western culture.
The main focus of discussion is around the two cerebral hemispheres. By carefully reviewing over 50 years of brain research McGilchrist explains how a simplistic understanding of the left side being just concerned with, for example, reason and language and the right side just with emotion and visual imagery is too simplistic. Both sides of the brain have elements of these abilities, but it is also true that there is a significantly greater emphais of function on one side compared to the other. The purpose of the corpus callosum that connects the two sides of the brain is to inhibit the over emphais of one side of the brain. However, the corpus callosum has been shown to have got less influential over time and the left hemisphere has become in our day and age much more dominant.
Dr John Geater is at the time of writing aged 73. He is married to Jane and has three adult children. He is a medical doctor and has worked in Bhutan, New Zealand and in England. In 2006 he received an MBE from the Queen for his work in setting up the postgraduate medical education charity, PRIME (Partnerships in International Medical Education). He has taught holistic medical education in 26 different countries around the world. Just before Christmas 2017 he was diagnosed with metastatic pancreatic cancer.
Do join us in this fascinating podcast conversation as we discuss John's life and explore questions such as:
How do you respond when bad things happen to you?
How do you make sense of being diagnosed with cancer three times in your life?
How to embrace life's mysteries when things don't go the way you want or expect.
We also ask John:
What was it like running a leprosy hospital in Bhutan at the age of 25?
What would you say to someone who has a terminal illness and is scared?
To explore with us from Bronnie Ware's book the five regrets of the dying:
I wish I lived a life true to myself and not what was expected of me.
I wish I had not worked so hard.
I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.
I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
I wish I had let myself be happier.
What he is looking forward to in the life to come?